Engaging Conversation Prompts to Discuss Herpes
Many people do not feel comfortable talking about sexuality and sexual health issues. This information will explore ways of feeling more confident in discussing herpes in the context of a sexual relationship.
Most people find that their partners are both supportive and understanding. It is a common assumption to initially think that a person may base their judgement of you on the fact you have genital herpes.
Because fear of rejection is a concern, it leads some to question why they should risk talking about herpes.
Accordingly, some people choose not to tell. Instead, they abstain during herpes outbreaks, practice safe sex at other times, and hope for the best.
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However, for most this is a minor skin infection. People fear the possibility of rejection but the reality of this is that it rarely happens.
Herpes coming out prompts: New relationships
Here are some conversation prompts to help you get over that initial hump:
“Before we have sex, I want to let you know that using condoms/barrier methods are important to me. I found out a little while ago that I carry the herpes virus, which means that using protection is a must for us to have sex. How do you feel about this?”
“I like where our relationship is going, and I want that relationship to be based on open communication. I found out a while back that I carry the herpes virus, and I want you to know that I’m here to answer any questions about what that means for us.”
“Just so you know I have hsv2, I’ve had it for three years. I understand if that’s a dealbreaker for you, you have every right to make decisions about your own health. If it’s not a dealbreaker you should know I am not currently on medication for it but will take it to lower the risk of transmission if it makes you more comfortable. If you have questions I will gladly answer them, even if this something you choose not to pursue.”
I usually lead into that text by starting off by asking if they had any dealbreakers. This way I don’t have to go through disclosing if stds are an issue, in my experience people who list it rarely change their minds.
Now some people have no problems with disclosing to someone who lists STDs as a dealbreaker. I only don’t do it because I’m not actively looking for a relationship or anything.
How to tell your partner that you have herpes in Existing relationships
Disclosing that you have herpes can be a challenging conversation, but honesty and open communication are essential for maintaining trust in a relationship.
Find a quiet and private space where you both can talk without interruptions. Make sure you have enough time to discuss the issue without feeling rushed.
Here are some suggested scripts for discussing this sensitive topic with your partner.
"Hey [Partner's Name], there's something important I need to talk to you about. I care about you a lot, and it's essential for me to be open and honest with you. This conversation might be difficult, but please know that I'm sharing this with you because I trust and respect you."
Share some basic information about herpes, including its prevalence, types, and transmission methods. This can help your partner understand the condition better.
"I recently found out that I have herpes. I understand this might be surprising, and I want to make sure we both have accurate information about it. Herpes is a common virus, and there are different types. It's important to know that it can be managed, and there are ways to reduce the risk of transmission."
Be honest about your feelings: Share your own feelings and concerns about the situation. This vulnerability can help your partner understand the impact on you personally.
“I have some news to share — I found out that I carry the herpes virus, and I think it’s important for you to get tested. I want to make it clear that I’m not blaming you for my diagnosis, because a lot of people have herpes without any symptoms. Let’s talk about how you feel after you’ve had some time to think.”
“I need to have a chat about some news I got recently — I found out I have herpes. I’ve talked to a doctor and I’ve done some research, and it’s not a major problem — but you’ll need to get tested and we’ll need to start using protection. How do you feel about this?”
Discuss next steps
Talk about the steps you are taking to manage the condition, such as medication, lifestyle changes, and safer sex practices. Reassure your partner that you are committed to their well-being. Here is one script.
"I'm working with my healthcare provider to manage this condition. Here are the steps I'm taking [mention medications, lifestyle changes, etc.]. I want to prioritize your health and well-being, and I'm committed to taking all necessary precautions."
Give your partner time:
Recognize that your partner may need time to process the information. Be patient and open to ongoing conversations. Here is one script.
"I know this is a lot to take in, and I understand if you need some time to process everything. I'm here for you, and we can continue talking about it whenever you're ready."
”Actually, I'd like you to take some time to think about it. If you still want to be together, let's just sleep together, but hold off on sex until you've had time to digest this for a little while."
Your partner may have same type of virus
If you both have the same viral type of herpes, you need not worry anymore about passing virus back and forth. That does not occur.
In addition to language, the setting can affect the outcome, too. Don't interrupt what your partner is doing to break the news. That is, don't call them at work, or barge into a room and say, "Hey, we have to talk." That's how you might deliver news of a death in the family or start an argument.
The right setting is a relaxing one, just the two of you, where there won't be any distractions. A conversation over a quiet dinner or a walk in the park is preferable to a bowling alley or the supermarket.
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