How to deal with rejection after disclosing herpes

Telling a potential sex partner about your herpes status can be a vulnerable moment. This way, you're empowering your potential partner to learn about herpes stigma and removing yourself from feelings of shame.

Rejection of someone with herpes is rarely rooted in science or statistics. One's decision is more calculated and influenced by a potential partner's moral and social beliefs about herpes and sexuality in general.

For example, if you ask a potential sex partner to share their STI status with you after sharing yours, and they say they don't know it, you can flip the script on them.

"Your last STI test was over a year ago? I get that we're still navigating the pandemic, but there are still accessible ways to get STI screenings. Thanks for letting me know because I only engage with partners who prioritize their sexual health."

If you’re out there dating, there’s a chance you’re going to experience rejection

But rejection does happen. If you’re out there dating, there’s a chance you’re going to experience rejection at some point. There are still people who aren’t going to be able to get over the idea of dating someone with herpes.

Some people who struggled with dating before contracting herpes feel particularly vulnerable. They often feel it was hard enough to meet someone before herpes and have difficulty imagining how they’re going to find love now.

The Right Person Won't Reject You

Some people will reject you when they find out you have herpes. You may know this is not about being pretty enough, cool enough, smart enough, fun enough, or sexy enough.

It’s about intimacy and security and what people expect from relationships. You can’t always avoid that rejection but you can make it easier to get through.

It might be hard to believe, but there are a lot of people out there who are not going to be bothered that much by you having herpes. You may get out there and date, and disclose, and have boyfriends or girlfriend, and live your lives.

Find other people who already have herpes

Remember that you are not alone. Many people have herpes and are still able to have healthy and happy relationships. You can also find other people who already have herpes, and date them. A person can only get each strain of herpes once.

So if two people both have genital herpes, neither one can get it again from the other. Consequently, they can have sex normally without worry.

Seek emotional support

Dealing with rejection can be difficult and it may be helpful to find a support group or a mental health professional to help you cope with the feelings and concerns that may arise.

Do not blame herpes

Some people have a pattern of attracting partners who tend to disappear when things get real or serious. Others seem to attract committed partners with ease. This pattern often, no matter which one you fall into, tends to stay the same after a herpes diagnosis.

For women who tend to attract partners who don’t want to commit, they may experience rejection after disclosing about herpes. It feels like it was about the herpes but really it’s the same pattern that was happening prior to contracting herpes. Things got real and your new romantic interest bailed.

Be patient

Not everyone will want to be with you after finding out that you have herpes, but that doesn't mean you won't find the right person. Be patient and keep looking.