Overcoming Herpes Disclosure Anxiety

Having herpes doesn't consign a person to a life of celibacy, and many herpes-positive people go on to have active sex lives without transmitting the virus to others. Disclosure is key when starting a sexual relationship with someone.

Revealing a genital herpes diagnosis to a romantic partner can feel like an extremely daunting challenge. The fear of rejection, judgment, or discrimination can be overwhelming, leading some individuals to avoid dating altogether.

The Drawbacks of Withholding Herpes Disclosure

Herpes means different things to different people. First, they will be given the opportunity to make an informed decision about the future of their own health. Herpes means different things to different people. To some, it may be quite frightening; to others it isn’t a big deal.

For example, a woman who is trying to become pregnant would see herpes in one way, while a woman who has her family already, and has had her tubes tied (permanent birth control) would see it in another.

A person you have just met that evening may not wish to take the same risk that someone you have known for a long time would be willing to take.

Second, if you do not tell a partner until after you have had sex, the question of trust comes up. What else have you not told them about yourself? Also, it takes a great deal of energy away from a relationship to hide something that is important.

You spend a lot of time and energy worrying that your partner is going to get herpes. It’s much harder to tell someone if they just found out they’re infected with herpes. For most people, the anxiety over not telling your partner you have herpes is worse than the telling itself.

Third, you may be denying your partner an opportunity to be supportive of you in a sensitive area. Telling your partner you have herpes and allowing them to enter into the relationship with full knowledge of your infection, you reduce the likelihood of them becoming infected with herpes. This is because, when you have an outbreak, you can discuss it with your partner instead of making excuses for why you can’t have sex. Excuses create distance between partners and often lead to misunderstanding and guesswork.

Your partner might interpret your excuses in ways more detrimental to the relationship than an honest discussion of genital herpes would be.

Fourth, you may have the typical belief that you will have a hard ime finding a partner who will accept you with your herpes. Telling a prospective partner will test the validity of that belief.

When making the decision to disclose herpes status, it is useful to put yourself in their shoes - would you have wanted to know your infecting partner had herpes before you had sex with him/her? Telling all future partners works best, for many reasons.

If you are able to discuss the situation openly and honestly, you can find imaginative ways to be ‘safely’ sexually intimate.

Our experience indicates that far more people accept sexual partners with herpes than reject them. This is clearly linked to the kind of relationship they have established prior to "getting the news."

Genital herpes is extremely common, with up to one in four adults who are sexually active having genital herpes, although approximately 80% remain unaware that they are infected.

Inaccurate and stigmatising articles and advertising have contributed to many of us having a lot of negative beliefs related to herpes that make it difficult to convince ourselves that others would want to be with us. It’s important to recognise these beliefs and consciously change them. Accepting the fact that you have herpes and are still the same person you were before will make it easier to have a fulfilling relationship.

Social stigma, fear of rejection, and a general misunderstanding of the condition may contribute to how uncomfortable this conversation can be, but it's an important one to have.

Do You Have to Disclose a Herpes Diagnosis?

In the United States, the laws about disclosing a herpes diagnosis to partners you intend to be sexually active with vary by state. In some states, you are not legally required to tell someone you have herpes.

In other states, you could be charged with a crime if you are sexually active with someone without disclosing a herpes diagnosis.

Disclosing herpes status to future partners was the scariest part. Fear is common among other herpes-positive people. Self-confidence was the key when it came to sharing your herpes status with potential partners. The more we shame and judge those 'dirty people with herpes,' the more ashamed they are of disclosing and saying that, yeah, it's just a skin condition, it's herpes.

Failing to disclose herpes infection can have serious health consequences

If someone with herpes does not disclose their infection to their partner(s), it can lead to the transmission of the virus to their sexual partners, who may then develop herpes symptoms. Herpes can cause painful sores, itching, and discomfort, and it can also have long-term health implications.

Additionally, herpes can be more severe and pose greater risks for certain populations, such as pregnant women and individuals with weakened immune systems.

Open and honest communication about one's sexual health is crucial for preventing the spread of herpes. It allows individuals to make informed decisions about their sexual health and take appropriate precautions to reduce the risk of transmission.

Overcoming the anxiety associated with disclosing

Overcoming the anxiety associated with disclosing a herpes diagnosis can be a challenging but important step in building and maintaining healthy relationships.

Many individuals have successfully navigated this process and shared their experiences to offer support and insights.

Being well-informed can boost your confidence

People with herpes may experience anxiety and fear when it comes to disclosing their herpes status to potential partners.

Knowledge is power. Learn as much as you can about herpes, including how it is transmitted, the risks, and the precautions you can take to reduce transmission. Being well-informed can boost your confidence when discussing it with a partner.

Recognize herpes as a common, manageable virus, not a punishment or judgment. The next step is realizing that health is never “perfect.” In reality, everyone faces a host of physical challenges as inevitable as life itself. The task is to meet them and get past them.

Should you tell a friend? Will you be able to remain sexually active? How can you tell a sexual partner or romantic interest? When is the best time to tell? Concerns about any or all of these questions are not unusual for someone newly diagnosed.

Fortunately, most people with herpes find that, with time, they are able to adjust to the medical and emotional impact of herpes and move on.

If you are experiencing a strong emotional response to a diagnosis, it might be helpful to explore why those feelings may be happening.

Closely connected to the issue of self-image is the matter of how we believe others see us. This is where the social stigma about genital herpes – whether perceived or real – can be pinpointed.

Be prepared for various reactions from your partner

Everyone gets rejected, whether we have herpes or not. Some people will reject you when they find out you have herpes. You may know this is not about being pretty enough, cool enough, smart enough, fun enough, or sexy enough.

It’s about intimacy and security and what people expect from relationships. You can’t always avoid that rejection.

Rejection based on herpes doesn't define you. Your value transcends a medical diagnosis, and people can't see beyond it are missing out on the richness of your character. Embrace self-worth and resilience, for genuine connections appreciate you beyond any health circumstance.

Some may need time to process the information. Understand that everyone reacts differently, and their initial response may not necessarily reflect their final feelings on the matter.

Separate how you feel about having herpes from worries about how others might feel

In the meantime, of course, it’s very difficult to separate how you feel about having herpes from worries about how others might feel.

Rejection and misunderstandings about the nature of a herpes infection can and do happen. But in the great majority of cases, herpes does not stand in the way of successful, enduring relationships.

• Disclosure guide with “scripts”