Best Way to Tell Someone You Have Herpes

If you have herpes, it is important to disclose it to any potential sexual partners. This can establish a healthy relationship, build trust, and reduce the risk of transmitting herpes to others.

Not disclosing herpes may be unlawful in some states, while other states may not have criminal statutes around this. In some USA states, you could be charged with a crime if you are sexually active with someone without disclosing a herpes diagnosis.

Best way to tell a potential sexual partner that you have herpes

Here are a few tips to keep in mind when you’re getting ready to have that conversation.

Prepare what to say

If a person is feeling nervous about telling a potential sexual partner, it may help to imagine or practice what they want to say first. This may help the person feel more confident and relaxed when telling a partner. Here are some example scripts about disclosure of herpes.

I really like you, and I like how this relationship is going, but before we become intimate, I need to tell you that [_] years ago, I was diagnosed with genital herpes. I know that hearing the word "herpes" freaks a lot of people out, but before you panic, there are some things I want to make sure you know about the disease.

“I like how things are going in our relationship, and I’m hoping we’ll end up in bed sometime soon. Before we do, I wanted to let you know that I have genital herpes. I take suppressive therapy and haven’t had an outbreak in a while, so the risk of passing it to you is low.

“Still, it’s not zero. So, I wanted you to have a chance to think about it before we get intimate. You don’t need to respond right now. When—and if—you’re ready, I’m happy to talk with you more or to just send you some information.”

Choose the right time

One of the hardest things about dating with herpes is deciding when to disclose your diagnosis to a partner. The timing of when you tell a partner about your herpes diagnosis will depend on different factors. You don’t have to mention it on the first date, but you will want to bring it up before you are ready for intimacy.

For example, if you’re getting to the stage in dating when you’re thinking about staying the night with a partner, you may choose to bring up your diagnosis the next time you have dinner or take a walk together.

If you wait to tell your partner that you have herpes until after you’ve had sex, it could feel like a betrayal. They may even feel harmed by your actions because by not telling them about your diagnosis, you denied them the opportunity to make an informed decision about a real health risk.

A partner may also worry that you’ve not told them other important things or that you’ve lied—or, that you would do so in the future. They might be concerned that you would hide things from them or keep other important secrets.

Being upfront about your diagnosis establishes a couple of important things: that you care about your partner and their wellbeing and respect them, and that you are committed to having open, honest communication in a relationship.

Choose the right place

The “where” for the conversation is another important factor to think about. For example, if you’re worried about how your partner might react, find a safe place where you can talk without interruptions or being overheard.

Ideally, it should be somewhere you can both feel comfortable and relaxed. Find somewhere quiet, without distractions, so that people can give their full attention and can speak without interruption.

How to Bring It Up

The easiest starting point for bring up the herpes talk is discuss sexual health with the person(s). It's also a great indicator of compatability, since anyone who refuses or prevaricates or feels uncomfortable about talking openly about sex, can be sorted from your prospects right then and there.

For example, you can ask a potential sex partner to share their STI testing results with you and then sharing yours.

Discussing sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and testing is not only relevant to individuals with HSV. Various other STIs can be transmitted, so it's important to broach the topic of testing with your partner. Inquire whether they have undergone recent testing for all STIs, herpes included (as it's often not part of a standard STD panel).

If not, consider scheduling a clinic visit together for comprehensive testing. If both test positive for herpes, sharing the same strain may alleviate the significance of a disclosure conversation. This can also serve as a smooth transition into discussing disclosure and practicing safe sex.

Be Confident

Don't expect that the first time you do this you will be calm, cool and collected. You may even back out once or twice.

Speak in a calm, matter-of-fact manner and avoid apologizing or using negative language. When you tell someone, choose your words carefully. Avoid words such as "terrible, incurable, and incredibly painful." Try to be as matter of fact as you can. Assuming that a partner will maintain a calm, positive demeanor may help people deliver the facts in a straightforward way.

Picture this scenario: you've been in a relationship with someone, and they decide to have a serious conversation with you.

In a slightly nervous tone, they look away and tear up as they reveal they have an incurable, contagious disease. Not the most comfortable situation, right?

Now, consider an alternative where they casually mention, as nonchalant as asking for salt, "Hey, just wanted to let you know I have herpes. It's not a big deal for me, but I think it's worth mentioning so we can discuss protection that suits you. I'd like to be intimate with you. Feel free to ask any questions." Now, that's a much smoother approach!

Let Partner Know the facts

So now you have told them. What next? Let's say they sit there, looking stunned. You might say:

Educate yourself about herpes and its transmission. That way you can answer any of your partner's questions. State the facts in a clear, simple way. People may have heard various myths or misinformation about herpes, which they may find confusing or alarming.

It’s normal for your partner to ask a lot of questions after learning about your diagnosis. They might wonder when you were diagnosed, how you might have gotten it, and what the risks are. It’s normal for these questions to feel a little uncomfortable, but try to remember that your and your partner’s health are a top priority.

Answering these questions as honestly as possible allows your partner to make an informed decision about STI testing and can help you decide on future prevention strategies.

Letting a partner know the facts can help them understand that herpes is a common condition and that treatments and prevention methods are available.

Allow them time to process the information

Realize that people may respond in different ways and allow them time to process the information. Avoid getting defensive. Allow a person to take time on their own to look into research if they want to.

How do you deal with rejection after herpes disclosure?

The stigma surrounding herpes is deeply rooted in cultural, social, and historical influences. Misinformation about the virus often perpetuates myths and misconceptions, contributing to fear and judgment.

Not everyone will want to be with you after finding out that you have herpes, but that doesn't mean you won't find the right person. Be patient and keep looking.

Try Low Risk Disclosures

Opening up to individuals you're not deeply connected with can serve as a valuable practice to ease any apprehensions. In certain situations, such as encounters at a bar or with a lackluster Tinder match, casually mentioning that you have herpes may be a way to test the waters. Surprisingly, some may not be deterred and choose to stay. Embrace these chances if you're looking for an opportunity to refine your disclosure skills.