Living and Dating With Herpes

• Navigating the dynamics of these smaller relationships
• Navigating the dynamics of these smaller relationships
• Navigating the dynamics of these smaller relationships

Prioritize Your Mental Health

Being diagnosed with HSV can cause stress, anxiety, and other feelings that can sometimes be difficult to deal with. If you’ve recently been diagnosed with HSV and are feeling overwhelmed, you’re not alone. It's OK to take time to process your emotions and reach out for help if needed.

If you have medical-related concerns, your doctor may be able to ease your mind by going over treatment options and explaining the risks. You can also ask for additional resources or a reference for a mental health professional who can help you manage feelings of stress or anxiety.

Be Honest With Your Partner

Telling past and current partners that you have an STI isn’t always easy. However, having an open and honest conversation about your diagnosis can help prevent you from spreading it and give your partner some peace of mind. Because herpes is so common, you might even learn that your partner has it, too.

Before you dive into this conversation, consider finding a time when neither of you is distracted and you can find a private place to talk. It’s important to tell your partner as soon as possible, but the middle of an argument or a busy workday probably isn't the best time. Dropping the news when one of you is already stressed could cause a productive conversation to spiral into an argument.

It’s normal for your partner to ask a lot of questions after learning about your diagnosis. They might wonder when you were diagnosed, how you might have gotten it, and what the risks are. It’s normal for these questions to feel a little uncomfortable, but try to remember that your and your partner’s health are a top priority. Answering these questions as honestly as possible allows your partner to make an informed decision about STI testing and can help you decide on future prevention strategies.

A few tips to consider:

• Choose a neutral setting during a time when you won’t be distracted or interrupted. Be natural.
• Speak with confidence. You are not lecturing or confessing. You’re sharing personal information.
• Remain calm. If you are upset, a partner might think it’s worse than it is. Remember your delivery and body language becomes your message, too.
• Expect your partner to be accepting and supportive. You’re doing the best thing for both of you. People tend to behave as you expect them to.
• Experts say that it is best to think through what you’re going to say before the conversation. You can role-play with a friend and try out some conversation starters. Something as simple as “I really like you and enjoy being with you, and I want to get closer to you. Let’s talk about safer sex” can lead the way. The point is to think about what you want to say ahead of time so you’ll be more comfortable and confident when you talk to your partner—not rehearsed, but natural.

Avoid Misinformation

When discussing HSV with a partner, it’s crucial that you avoid unintentionally spreading misinformation or misrepresenting the risks. To avoid this, try to do some research ahead of time and be prepared to share what you learned. Your doctor can answer any questions you have about your diagnosis and may be able to provide educational materials for you and your partner. If you need help finding reliable information, you can also visit the CDC website to learn more about risks, symptoms, and treatment options.

How will a partner react?

Some may overreact. Some won’t bat an eye. Since many people have genital herpes or have heard about it, many people won’t be shocked or surprised.

From the stories that we’ve heard, most people will react well, and will appreciate your honesty and respect for the relationship and their wellbeing.

While a negative reaction is possible, this doesn’t necessarily mean a bad ending. If that person values you as an individual and is interested in a relationship, something as minor as herpes shouldn’t stand in the way. If it does, then that person obviously wasn’t a good fit in the first place.

Whatever happens, try to be flexible. Give your partner time to respond, think about what you’ve said and absorb the information. Remember when you first found out? It took you time to adjust, too.

Do not overly concerned about protecting a partner’s feelings.

You don’t have to be overly concerned about protecting a partner’s feelings. And, you may want to reconsider a relationship where you have to do all the emotional work. A safer sex discussion might help you find out if this partner is a good candidate for your love and attention.

A few people are going to react negatively. It won’t matter what you say or how you say it. Remember, these people are the exception not the rule. If a partner decides not to pursue a relationship with you because you have herpes, it is best to know this now. There are many people who will be attracted to you for who you are–with or without herpes.

Most people react well. They appreciate your approach, honesty and maturity in addressing an important health issue. Remember to put herpes into perspective: it is an annoying, recurrent skin condition that is treatable and manageable–no more, no less.

What if a partner has herpes?

In a new relationship there is always risk. Usually this risk is emotional. When a partner has herpes, there is additional risk that you could get it, too. You may have concerns about risking infection for a relationship that may not last. You’ll want to understand how to lower the risk for infection and ways to talk with your partner. Remember, if you have been sexually active you may already have been at risk for herpes.

You may have it and not know it. Because herpes can be spread without symptoms (asymptomatic shedding) it can be hard to know when a person became infected and who infected them. In fact, if you and your partner have had sex, it’s possible your partner got herpes from you.

In an intimate, sexual relationship with a person who has herpes, the risk of contracting the infection will never be zero. Some couples have sexual relationships for years without transmitting herpes just by avoiding sexual contact during outbreaks, using condoms regularly and using suppressive antiviral therapy to reduce outbreaks.

Couples deal successfully with herpes all the time. For many, it is a minor inconvenience. Since herpes does not pose a serious health risk, some couples choose not to use condoms in a long-term relationship. If you’re not sure about the relationship or you’re uncomfortable with the risk, consider delaying intimacy for a while. Get to know your partner better and give yourself time. Remember, all relationships face challenges, most far tougher than herpes. Good relationships stand or fall on far more important issues–including communication, respect and trust.

Practice Safe Sex

If you’ve discussed the risks with your partner and decide to remain sexually active, there are steps you can take to reduce the risk of transmission. For people with oral herpes, it can be as simple as avoiding kissing and oral sex until any sores have completely healed.

People with genital herpes should take a few extra precautions before resuming sexual activity. Condoms and dental dams don’t completely eliminate the risk, but using them correctly every time you have sex can greatly reduce your chances of passing genital herpes on to a partner. Your doctor may also recommend taking a suppressive antiviral medication and avoiding sexual activity if you have an active outbreak.

No matter which type of herpes you have, you should always ask your doctor about the best ways to protect yourself and your partner.